I must confess something. I have a tendency to eavesdrop on people when I’m in a restaurant. Being in the people business, I see it as a way to learn more about how people interact with one another when they’re being unselfconscious. Plus, it’s just plain fun!
A few nights ago, my husband and I decided to have dinner at a local pub. We found ourselves seated next to two women. We recognized one of them, and, after exchanging some pleasantries and engaging in a bit of small talk, we retreated back into our own conversation. Their discussion became a background noise that I tuned out for the most part. From the snippets I did catch, it appeared they were discussing a challenging period one of them was experiencing.
All of a sudden, one of the women said clearly, “While you’re away, I’ll make a week’s worth of dinner and bring it over to him every night. I can feed the dog and check to make sure everything’s okay.”
What struck me was the specific and actionable offer of help. It showed a deep understanding of what might make a big difference in that situation. I was instantly reminded of the countless times I've uttered the words, "Let me know if there’s anything I can do."
Now, I don’t think there anything wrong with letting someone know you’re willing to help if the person asks for it. But I realized something when I heard her offer. I realized that the phrase, “let me know if there’s anything I can do,” unknowingly shifts the burden onto the other person. It requires them to not only take the initiative to ask for help but also to identify exactly what they need.
Thinking back on my own experiences, I remembered that when I'm having a hard time, I often struggle to pinpoint what help I would actually appreciate. I have a hunch that I'm not alone in this. How reassuring it would be to have someone step up and say, "Here’s what I intend to do. Is that okay?" It still leaves me the choice to turn down the offer, but it removes the burden of deciding what to ask for.
Chances are, we've all found ourselves on both ends of this kind of situation. Sometimes, we're the one in need, struggling with the complex emotions of accepting help, unsure of what we need ourselves. Other times, we're the empathetic bystander, wanting to offer assistance yet unsure about how to go about it or even what to provide.
We may be concerned about overstepping boundaries or becoming overly involved. All this can make the dynamics of giving and receiving help quite awkward, and as a result, we may refrain from asking or offering assistance altogether. Wouldn’t it be great if there were some clearcut guidelines for navigating the awkwardness?
Interestingly, I recently stumbled upon a blog post that offered some guidelines. It was written by Paula Spencer Scott, who is affiliated with Caring.com, an online resource for caregivers seeking information and support. Two key points from her post resonated with me.
She writes:
Don’t wait to be told; ask and offer. “Well-intentioned helpers often say, ‘If you need anything, let me know.’ But the person in need may be too overwhelmed to be able to act on such a broad, open-ended offer. Better to be proactive and specific: ‘Can I get you something from the grocery this afternoon?’ ‘Can we take the kids for a sleepover this weekend to play with ours while you help your Mom?’
Know that sometimes, it’s okay to just jump in and do. Certain kindnesses don’t need a formal green light. Bring your friend a meal on a certain day once a week, no questions asked. Shovel his driveway after a big snow. Bring fresh flowers and leave them — in a vase, so she won’t have to fuss with finding one — on her doorstep.”
The next time you find yourself in a position where you want to offer help, remember not to pull the old "let me know if you need anything." Instead, why not try what we just discussed? Be proactive, be specific, and when appropriate, just roll up your sleeves and get to work. You've got the power to make a real difference in someone's life, and you’ll also enjoy the satisfaction of engaging in an act of kindness. There might be a driveway that needs shoveling, a meal that needs cooking, or a friend that could use some fresh flowers. Go make a difference!
Please leave a comment about your go-to approach for offering to help.
Oh, and here are a couple of additional links to guidelines you might find useful:
https://www.vox.com/even-better/23589570/offer-help-support-validation
https://www.phrasemix.com/collections/9-ways-to-offer-to-help-someone
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