Here’s a thought experiment. Bring to mind a relationship that causes you to feel resentful at times. It could be with a family member, a colleague, a boss or a friend. In spite of attempts to deal with these feelings—possibly on both sides—you just can’t seem to clear the air once and for all. And the relationship is not one that you’re likely to walk away from.
If you can’t think of any relationships like that, good for you! I’d love to get your advice and I invite you to guest author my next article. But my guess is that you, like lots of people, have these kinds of relationships in your life.
Now that you’ve brought such a relationship to mind, consider this: If you take away resentment, what would you do? Would the outcome be different from what you’ve experienced up till now?
These questions emerged recently in a coaching session with one of my clients. To protect confidentiality, I won’t go into this person’s story but the insights that emerged were eye opening for me and definitely worth sharing.
As we discussed this person’s powerful insight, I realized that when we remove resentment from the formula it opens up the way to do what’s difficult more cleanly. It doesn’t necessarily make it easy, but the absence of resentment enables clarity about possible avenues for constructive action.
Let’s take this a little further. Where does resentment come from? In my experience, resentment arises from the judgment that people and situations are not the way I think they should be and that someone else is to blame. Does that resonate with your experience?
And what is the result of resentment? Again, in my experience, resentment leaves me in the righteous victim role. The feeling justifies my negative judgment but leaves me powerless to do anything about it. What a strange place to be in! It’s not a place that gives me joy. And yet I’ve allowed myself to feel that way many times in my life.
If being in a place of resentment doesn’t bring me joy, what can I do to move forward? There are only two options: to let it go entirely or to transform it into fuel for positive action.
Here’s an example you might be able to relate to. There have been times when I’ve been on teams where one member was not contributing equally. They waited till the last minute to prepare, needed reminding about deadlines and never volunteered to take the initiative on deliverables.
As someone who often found myself in the role of “tracker,” it irritated me when there were team members who behaved that way. Yet feelings of resentment made it difficult to have an honest conversation with that person about the way their behavior was affecting me.
Setting aside resentment, it seems clear that asking for what I want would be the cleanest and clearest course of action. Would the outcome be different? Possibly, but no guarantee. But I would feel clearer about what my choices were. Being in a state of resentment clouds the reality that I always have choices.
Going forward, I commit to paying close attention to those times when resentment creeps in and ask my new go-to question: If I take away resentment, what will I do?
After all, isn’t it exciting to imagine a life without resentment?
Please leave your thoughts in the comments box.
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